You are together for some time. He is sweet, romantic, enthusiastic about you two. You go out, cinema, dinners and your dating is incredibly sparkling. He is usually very busy man but claims you do have a priority in his hectic schedule. You spend together one-two evenings (if!) during the week, sometimes you have the place in his schedule for weekend. For some time, you don’t object. The sweetness of relationship that is more intense than any other you had, is keeping you away from expressing yourself. But months pass by and nothing changes… And that leads to THAT TALK and CONVERSATION.
You would like to spend more time together.
You would like to do together things that are ordinary part of life. You would like to shop groceries together and be a part of his ordinary life as well. See his friends, watch soccer match together. While this discussion is so scary for many couples (especially men), it is usually here when is possible to determine the next direction of your relationship… If it goes well, it goes well. But…
“It is very hard for me to commit. It really takes a long time,” says one of my friend, a notorious player.
Whenever the woman in his life starts to get close to him, he immediately pulls back, regardless of how pretty, sweet, or incredible she is. He loves to be a romantic knight, taking his dates out for expensive dinners and show off, but he terribly fails the moment they insist he becomes more than that. He prefers to be that ideal of a romantic prince, avoiding any reality of daily life – and probably that is a huge part of his charm too. Unreachable…
I could almost hear him talking to his girlfriends.
“I had a difficult childhood, and I think this affected my ability to be in stable relationship.”
“I got married very young. It was a disaster. I’m still recovering. I’m not sure I ever want to repeat it again.”
“I was in a horrible marriage.”
“I swear, I lost all sense of happiness until you.”
“Just give me another chance. You mean too much to me.”
In some form, this dialogue is happening all over the world between unequal couples. She wants to be with him (or vice versa), while he is only playing—and enjoying his game.
You meet them all the time – they are super charming and charismatic till… you don’t want to move forward. Then they vanish faster than leaves in strong wind. Whether he had been unhappily married or he claims to be a victim of a previously broken heart or any other reason he’ll give you why he can’t commit to you, they will find one. They always have a reason that someone cannot get closer to them.
Call them emotionally unavailable, call them bad boys (or girls), call them anything you want. Many of us have sighed for these people at least once in our lives, trying to get closer, to save them, to convince them that we and only we can open their hearts.
RUN! If they don’t want to be intimate – go, no – run, run away! In my vocabulary, there is a distinctive difference between being physical and being intimate. While you can be physical with someone for years, it doesn’t mean that you became intimate too. To be intimate is to be close to someone in a way that you almost feel the invisible connection between your and his heart. Sounds too romantic? I know, but I can’t help myself. This is how I want my relationships to be and I will not settle for anything less. Nor should you.
Everybody deserves to be respected and loved. If you have different opinions with your partner about how the relationship should move forward, it is fine. You are never 100% compatible with anybody. But if you express what is hurting you and what would you like to change, yet you don’t see anything back, what’s worse – only defensive words will come your way, do the same thing I advised in a paragraph above. RUN!
Stop saving the others. You can’t open anyone’s heart unless they want that. Regardless of how much you see yourself as a savior, it doesn’t work that way. People use past issues as excuses not to be open. People who want you to enter their lives will make space for you regardless of what they went through in the past. If somebody wants to be with you, they will not insist on barriers—they will build the stairs for you to reach them more easily.
You want to be with me, show it. Most of us have been hurt throughout our lives in some way, but we don’t use our past as an excuse for our present. The equation is very simple: you want to be with someone, you make it work. You don’t, you find thousands reasons that it’s not possible.
Say it, prove it. It is not what people say that matters. It is what they do. Let’s be fair. There are people out there who are really going through trauma, but trying to recover and move on. Yes, you might meet one of those. If this is the case, you will spot it through their actions and that gut feeling you have when you are around them. They will try to do everything to have you around, regardless of the nature of your relationship. They will do everything to keep you—and I don’t mean words only.
Listen to your heart. Your heart is always right. If you are on a mission to be someone’s guardian angel and you feel something deep in you doubting and hesitating, step back. This is your intuition trying to talk to you. Listen to it. If you feel something isn’t right, then it’s not.
Respect yourself. If it lasts a year and you are still where you were a year ago, then it’s clearly not progressing. All of what he says is an excuse, and it will never change. I am sorry to be the messenger of bad news, but people simply won’t change unless they make the decision on their own. Now, there is time for you to make decision as well – are you happy? If yes, congratulations! If not and you are turning around, listening to the similar type of answers my friend (the one from the beginning of this article) gives to his girlfriends… RUN, RUN, RUN!
There is love for everybody in this universe.
Problem with us, especially women, is that we love to remain in what I call “lost cases” even at cost of our own heart being broken. In such situations , we often feel like victims of our own decisions – and what’s worse – blaming the world for it!
No my dear ones, it is us and only us who got us to any situation in our life – whether pleasant or unpleasant. If the chapter you are currently in doesn’t suit you, it is time to turn the page and begin the new one. There are people who will always remain romantic knights and are useless in daily life, but hey -it is a good experience to meet that kind too. It just doesn’t mean that we’ll end up in this romance forever.
We have to go through those passionate, flamy affairs as well if they came to our life – maybe to avoid any regrets in the future that we didn’t experience such thing! Put that simply – some people will always be unreachable – and it ain’t our fault, it is simply who they are…
But remember – first you have to close the door behind you before you open another one.
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